Menopausal Public Transport

So – I am trying thinking of giving my car up. I have told Hemp Oil Harriet that I am doing it for the environment but the truth is that menopausal poverty (last bill £75 for supplements and a replacement ladycare magnet) means that running a car I don’t use that often is becoming a luxury I can’t afford!

Before making such a drastic move – I decided to have a practice. Last night I was off to South Queensferry to meet a friend for dinner. One big benefit of trying the bus out rather than drive is that I can partake of cocktails and wine. Big Tick for public transport.

A bit of playing around on the internet and I worked out the times and costs. I headed up to St Andrews Square – 30 minute walk. Feckin knackered. Totally feckin knackered. I was knackered before I left to be fair – I had ‘got ready’ to go out. That was a huge effort and I am coming to the conclusion that I can either get ready to go out or go out – attempting both is just too much.

Did I really used to go through the ‘getting ready’ every day before work? Threw myself into the Bus Station to be told that bus now departs from outside and over the road. Run at 100 miles an hour to get it – sweating despite for once not having a bloody hot flush.

Well – after my return bus trip, I have come to the conclusion that there needs to be a specialist bus for Menopausal Women.

Or at the very least a set of rules that all passengers must abide to when on a bus with said Menopausal Women. They are as follows:

• SEATING: If the bus if feckin empty – do NOT sit on the seat right next to a Menopausal Woman. If you do decide for some god forsaken reason to do so – you do NOT then get your mobile out and have a loud conversation with someone. If you happen to be reading – this is the reason I stood on your foot accidently on purpose while moving to another seat. Yes sorry and all that – but you were so bloody annoying!
• HEADPHONES: Use them! I do not want to listen to Frozen coming from your kids i-pad.
• TISSUES: Yes I know it is the season for colds – but for the love of god the STOP with the fecking sniffing. It does my blooming head in – just take a tissue and blow your bloomin nose.
• NOSE PICKING: Seriously, I am appalled there actually has to be a rule about this. I’m talking about you – tall man that got on around Blackhall. I may have PTSD from watching what you houked from your nose. GADZ – that is all!
• MAKE UP: Apply before getting on the bus or just don’t wear it. I do not want to be covered in bits of face bronzer on my lovely new jeans.
• COMPULSORY SPONSORED SILENCE: on all buses for schoolkids – remind me never ever to get the 4pm bus again. What a pile of crap teenagers talk. Also – I refer them to the tissue comment above
• TEMPERATURE: this is up to the menopausal woman to decide. If she slides open the window – it must be left open.
• TOILETS: any bus trip of more than ten minutes in duration MUST have a toilet. This is especially important when menopausal women are travelling having consumed considerable quantities of alcohol. The dust in the bus caused a few episodes of ‘peezing’ which, let’s be honest isn’t pleasant for anyone!
• STOP WARNINGS – A gentle nudge from someone when your stop approaches as menopausal exhaustion and aforementioned wine can lead to missing stop due to being asleep.
• SAD STORY FILTERS – On Facebook no sad stories should be allowed to filter in as sad donkey stories can cause oceans of tears which isn’t great when trying to see how close you are to your destination.

So the biggest issue with public transport is actually the public. So the penalties would be severe. I was thinking of tarring and brushing miscreants – then attaching them to a rope at the back of the bus and just dragging them along. However Sweet Dog has told me that is a bit extreme and it maybe an on the spot fine of maybe about £1000 would be sufficient.

I’m ok with that – as long as all proceeds to go to easing menopausal poverty!

I will put shortly release a ‘unilateral declaration’ in support of these recommendations. Suspect it will be as useful as the Brexit one but we can but try!

PS – Update on my book – ‘Galloping Catastrophe: Musings of a Menopausal Woman’. First – THANKS so much again to the 71 people who have ‘pledged’ ie pre-ordered the book.
If you haven’t and you would like to (I need about 400 people to pledge in total before it can be printed and sent to the shops…) please use this link…

https://unbound.com/books/galloping-catastrophe/

xx
Twitter @gallopingcatast

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My Bookie Wookie…

Hello Everyone

And firstly – massive thanks for reading this  blog and giving me the confidence to attempt to turn it into a book…

Sweet Dog and I have been working away on said book

And we now have an agent.. and a publisher…

But for the book to become a reality – I need about 300 people to buy the book upfront.

If anyone reading would like to support Galloping Catastrophe  in this endeavor – I would be so grateful… the link is below. Have a look and see what you think.

I will keep you updated on progress.. xxx

https://unbound.com/books/galloping-catastrophe/

Narky and Sarky

Despite the HRT, I still find myself ‘narky and sarky’ on occasion. Well – maybe more than ‘on occasion’. Today being a very good example! Today I made Joan Rivers seem like ever so lovely Lorraine Kelly.

It started with turning my laptop on and once again being bombarded with ads for funeral plans, youth facials, slippers and those chairs that tip up when you want to stand up. Fecks sake! Then I filled a survey in and realised I had moved yet another age tick box to the right – another step to the grave!

Then on the tram to work I was just listening happily to my music and Hemp Oil Harriet got on. Hemp Oil Harriet is so called due to her insistence that she got through the menopause with no more help that a spoon of Hemp Oil every day. She doesn’t know about this nickname. She has another nickname ‘Sanctimonious Fucker’ which she also doesn’t know about.

To stop her trying (once again) to convert me from HRT to Hemp Oil, I tell her about my personalised laptop adverts.
But she is particularly Pollyanna today and unlike some sensible people who would have a moan with me, it is apparent she is on a mission to ‘cheer me up’. I don’t want cheered up. I am narky and about to become very sarky. This is a dangerous combination but she is oblivious.
“Getting older is a privilege denied to so many” she lectures “you should feel good to be getting older and wiser’

Is she having a feckin laugh? I am not wiser. Most definitely not feckin wiser. Yesterday I walked into a room and felt it was a ‘win’ when I knew instantly why I was there. And tbh that was because it was the bathroom!. I also had to Google to find out what year it was as I genuinely had a blank as to whether it was 2018 or 2019. Then I was desperately trying to remember the woman whose radio show I love on a Saturday night to tell someone – I was almost sure it was Lisa Starbuck. Had to google that too. If ever there is anyone wanting to do a drag act for Liza Tarbuck then you are welcome to the name.

‘I’m not older and wiser – I am older and wider’ I retort
But she is not put off from her mission to instil a little positivity in me. She embarks on a series of what she calls philisophical advice that I suspect may owe more to Fridge Magnets than Plato.

“With age comes greater tolerance and you should embrace that” she witters.”. Is she feckin kidding? The only reason she is still breathing is the HRT patch on my arse that she, ironically, is so disdainful of. Over the last two days I have told so many people to feck off so that I started to wonder if I might have tourettes. So I’m not buying that either. I just nod though as I am finding passive aggression less likely to get me imprisoned than pure aggression.

“Come on” she says, with absolutely no realisation that she is fighting a losing battle. “There must be something good about getting older”

“Hmm” I say feeling the aggressive bit of the passive aggressive coming out. “Let me see – the irony of getting 90 million chin hairs just as your eye sight deteriorates and the hair on your head starts to thin – well that’s a great feckin laugh isn’t it. And the fatigue that pops along to the exhaustion and anxiety ridden party in your body – well that is fabulous too!

Pollyanna Hemp Oil interrupts – not realising I am just warming up.

“Age only matters if you are a cheese” she states as if reciting from Socrates himself. “My auntie has walked 5 miles a day since she was 81 and she is 87 now and fit as a fiddle”

“Do you miss her?” I ask

She is confused “She isn’t dead?”.
“I know” I say “but she must be very very far away by now”.
She looks blank and I can’t be arsed explaining my witty statement. Sometimes you just can’t fix stupid.

“You should really look to the future – there are so many experiences you can be doing – look at all the meetup groups and communities you could be doing” she says.

Doesn’t she realise I do not have FOMO (fear of missing out) – I have JOMO (Joy of Missing Out). I just can’t be arsed. Best plans for me at the moment are cancelled plans. So am hardly gonna actively go hunting for more things to do.

She is looking at me shocked and I realise I have said that I can’t be arsed out loud.

“I know a really good anger management person that it might be worth you seeing” she says earnestly.

“I don’t need an anger management person – I just need people to stop being bampots”. I respond. Though this isn’t strictly speaking true as I am at that moment considering a Britney style meltdown.

But thankfully she alights at the next stop.

And I put my headphones back on and while I should probably find a nice mindfulness app, I instead stick on Meredith Brooks ‘I hate the world today’ and pump the volume up as I sing along.

Is this kind of behaviour normal for a 50 year old woman? Does anyone else get the ‘narky and sarky’ frame of mind on a regular basis??

Twitter: @gallopingcatast

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Not waving – but probably drowning!!

So in my quest to do lots of things I have never done before I decided to have a shot in a flotation tank.

I was a bit anti trying it to be honest – to me they just seem a bit hippy dippy and basically a very expensive bath. But then I saw a groupon offer and the experience billed as ‘decreasing anxiety and depression and improving sleep’ – I was sold. As I work with @shrinksquad to keep my weight going down – I am discovering that being knackered all the time is probably making me fat – so this seemed a great plan

But menopausal feckin brainfog kicked in – and I got all the way there and realised I’d forgotton my bloody swimsuit which was carefully hanging from the front door where I left it so i could not possibly forget it!!

I popped in to apologise and reschedule. ‘It’s fine’ the therapist Chanel said – ‘you can go in naked’

NAKED!! NAKED!! Seriously?? I am quite tall and fair and wondered for a minute if she had mistaken me for a free and easy ‘happy being naked’ Swedish person rather than a repressed uptight ‘6 layers minimum even in the sun’ Scot. I spoke in my most Scottish voice to emphasise this point but she was bright and breezy and in five mins had me chucked in a room with a shower and the huge tank.

Before I went in I asked if anyone ever drowned in one of them as I tend to fall asleep anytime during the day given half a chance (not night time obviously – that would be too feckin convenient!!). She laughed and assured me no-one had ever drowned in one. Hmmm – my Doctor said that no-one ever gained weight simply due to the menopause and we all know what a crock of shit that is.

So I carefully climb in and get settled – ears stuffed with the earplugs (the only bit of advice the therapist offered – “just keep them in whatever you do”).

I look around for a shelf for my phone but there is nothing. Once I close the feckin lid I will be completely cut off. I am starting to panic slightly – but close the lid down. I am brave. I am strong. I say to myself as I lie gripping onto the exit lever and with one hand over the emergency button just in case. My arms hurt and I realise I am completely frozen stiff in terror. There is no way I am turning the feckin light out – is claustrophobia another bloody menopause symptom!. I lie like that for about 15 mins – my arms frozen and getting sorer and sorer. This is not how I imagined it. Finally I make myself release my grip a little and do a little frog motion with my legs to propel myself off the edge of the tank to try and loosen up.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. That was not a good idea – my fat thighs had been blocking the entrance to my ‘down below’ bits (see how repressed I am – can’t even use the anatomonically correct language). And now about ten litres of very salty saline solution is whooshing up inside me. I am ready to scream. Menopausal readers – if you suffer atrophy then you will probably be wincing right now. If you don’t – just imagine about 90 boiling hot razors being stuck up inside you and you will get the picture!! And then just wait for that fresh menopausal hell symptom to catch you up!!

I lie for a bit longer – how long have I been in this feckin thing? I decide to put the light out – just give it a go – it might be ok?. I turn to the light and my earplug falls out – just as I click the light out. This throws me into a panic and I resemble a panicking fish out of water as I splash around trying to find it . Then I go into a bigger panic – which button was the light and which was the emergency button?

I breathe – don’t panic don’t panic…. If I hit the emergency button 20 year old Chanel the therapist may never recover from having to haul my naked menopausal still very overweight body out. And it might end up on youtube. Oh God. I have to get it right. Can’t find feckin earplug and remember Chanel’s dire warnings. OK – light back on – and it is staying on!

I lie a bit longer in the tank. I am not enjoying it. But I am Scottish and therefore want my moneys worth. I am desperate for a wee but remember that there are no toilets in the bloody room and can hardly walk bollock naked down the corridor past the nail technicians just to go to the loo. I hold it in then start to wonder – how many people have just decided to wee in the tank. Am I lying in a pool of mainly wee?

Shower time is a nightmare – the claggy saline won’t come out my hair. I have to walk about for a week with it resembling the time I permed it with a home perm then added generous dollops of sun-in when I was 14! Not a good look then – definitely not now!.

But I live in hope that the promise of good sleep will come true. Nope – three night terrors in one night – all about being hemmed in a big feckin enclosed water coffin!!

I call my solicitor in the morning and adapt my will to ensure cremation and that my ashes be scattered within an hour! The fear of being enclosed will last a very long time I suspect….

Then three days later my ear starts to play up – the one with the missing earplug…..

Has anyone ever tried a flotation tank and enjoyed it?

xx

Twitter @gallopingcatast

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Let’s Dance!

So this morning I went to Zumba!!

With the help of ‘Shrinkology’ – the book by Louise Atkinson and Dr Meg Arroll – and some 1-1 sessions with Dr Meg, I am finally starting to tackle the menopausal midriff.

I am about to get to that milestone of losing the first stone. So I decided it was time to up the exercise. I hate the gym but love Strictly Come Dancing – so felt a bit of grooving to some great tunes would be a good way forward.

So I rocked up alone hoping for some friendly faces. I was faced with some very young beautiful slim snowflake faces with lovely bright dancing outfits on that contrasted to my black t shirt and leggings combo. ‘Should I just bugger off now’ I think to myself. But then I remember my 2019 motto – if there is a choice between sitting it out and dancing – always choose dancing…literally and metaphorically!

Then we get to it. Anyone passing would be forgiven for thinking it was a soft porn film. In front of me slim hips don’t lie as they swivel and washboard abs twist from side to side. I am slightly mortified but then slowly I realise that my menopausal cloak of invisibility means no-one is watching me. So I begin to dance accordingly. I am Beyonce! I am Flavia! I am Baby in Dirty Dancing. I imagine being introduced on Strictly – ‘she was top of the leaderboard last week – can she make it another week – she is a top contender for the glitter ball’. Then getting my scores ‘it’s a ten from Len’. I fling myself around with gay abandon – ‘take that Snowflake Bitches’ I say (not out loud obvs – some of them look really hard and very strong) channelling my inner Cher.

But then Chantelle jumps from the stage where she has been gyrating and I realise I have made a rookie error. NO NO NO – she dances to the back of the class and instructs us all to turn round. I am now at the front of the class and can clearly see in the mirror that I do not, as I had imagined, resemble the love child of Shakira and J-Lo but more like the love child of Bernard Manning and Anne Widdecombe. And I don’t have the moves like Jagger – I have the moves like a scarecrow blowing randomly in the wind. This is not good.

Fortunately this torture is short lived as Chantelle dances back to take her rightful place on the stage. She is looking for volunteers to join her and she is not short of the young and the beautiful. I am so tempted to leap onto the stage and shout ‘hey girls – look here – yes I am your future. Enjoy your flat tummies; your hair free chins; your normal body temperature; your perky boobs – coz in a few years they will go quicker than a skid on the sweat splashes that are appearing on the dance floor’. But thanks to my HRT, I manage to refrain.

I get home and peel my leggings off. Oh god – I realise a rip in the back of them. Oh god oh god – I mean don’t get me wrong – I have a great arse (let’s just say – no butt implants needed here) but I wasn’t even wearing sexy pants. I had the old comfy ones which I suspect might be even older than Chantelle.

So will I return?

Hell yeah!! But this time with sexy pants and a trendier gym kit. The happy hormones are still floating around inside me ten hours later!.

Twitter: @gallopingcatast
To follow me – scroll to the top of this post and click my face then click follow

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Guest Blog on HRT from Sweet Dog

Hello. I am Sweet Dog and my Human has told me I have to do a guest blog this week as she is lying in a hot bubbly bath defrosting. I have to admit this is totally my fault. We went a big walk and she said ‘DON’T go on the ice’ but it looked so much fun so I ignored her. Well the ice wasn’t quite as solid as it seemed – I nearly feckin drowned!!! So she had to pull me out and she got a frozen foot while doing so. I was then freezing cold and shivering so she had to put her t shirt and jumper on me so I would not get hypothermia (though maybe more likely she was wanting to avoid more vet bills – I think her exact words to the vet when I accidently ate a plastic bag full of dead rotting fish and had to be rushed to the vets were ‘how fecking much? Just to make her puke? Are you feckin kidding me – that’s 2 pairs of shoes and a feckin dress’ I mean I think she was kidding but I got some pretty black looks). Anyway upshot was she had to drive home in her bra while I was cosy in her clothes in the boot. She also said some bad words that I hadn’t heard since she started her HRT.

And this is the topic she has told me to write about – my Human has been on HRT for 4 months now and wants me to tell you all what I have observed. So unaccustomed to blogging as I am – I will try my best to explain the changes I have seen and the impact it has had on me.

1 My Menopausal Human used to get really really hot and I loved it and would jump on her belly and enjoy the warmth. This sadly has stopped and she is just the same temperature as other humans which makes me a bit sad. I am glad she still has a jelly belly though as it is like a water bed and really fun to sit on.

2 My Human is also sleeping all through the night. This also makes me sad as often she would come to my sleeping place in the kitchen when she couldn’t sleep and we would listen to the radio together and invariably this would lead to biscuits – hobnobs for her and Bonios for me. I miss this.

3 My Menopausal Human seems to be much less forgetful. This too makes me sad as often I used to get two dinners just by looking hungry. She also doesn’t appear in the kitchen several times a night to check the cooker is off/door is locked. Again this means a drastic reduction in my biscuit intake as often I would get a couple while she was down.

4 My Menopausal Human used to see a lot of people called ‘tosser’ and ‘knobhead’ and ‘wanker’ when we were out driving. I am not sure what has happened but they seem to have all disappeared – last time we drove for two hours and I don’t think there were any of them out there at all.

So these are the negatives. I am trying to be positive though – as I am 7 so in Doggy years I am 49 and soon will be approaching the ‘change’ myself. I think. I mean I am not totally sure if Doggies do go through this but I have twice ended up with one of those HRT patches on my tail when it falls off my Human and so far no ill effects.

But there are positives:

1 My Menopausal Human is full of energy and we go on massive walks now which is great – normally she would be knackered and I would have to put up with a short walk then she would stop at the top of a hill and just chuck the ball down the hill and sit back while I puffed up and down the hill retrieving it. Am glad those pathetic walks are being replaced with something more substantial.

2 My Menopausal Human laughs a lot more now and sometimes we dance round the kitchen together before breakfast – which I like a lot. Normally she would just resemble a burst grumpy couch til lunchtime.

I can hear my lovely Human getting out the bath now so I must go and see if she is OK and thank her for saving my life by jumping all over her and licking her frantically. I know she is just kidding when she say ‘yuck.. get off… get down’.

Oh – and she won’t want me to say this – but I will anyway. She has written a book on her exploits as a menopausal woman and was wondering who might be interested in reading it if it were to be published?

Love from
Sweet Dog
xx

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Menopausal Snakes and Ladders

“Life is like a box of chocolates” said Forest Gump

“Menopausal Life is like a game of Snakes and Ladders” said me!

If I manage to get up a ladder – then its just a matter of time til I encounter the next snake and down I go!

Take Friday – I get up after a miraculous full 7 hours of sleep so full of elation I hit the top of my first ladder of the day.

Then it’s time to use the eyedrops. The latest condition to hit my aging body is Blepharitis – so eye drops and very expensive ‘hygiene wipes’ are now making friends with the HRT patches, thyroxine and magnesium tablets in the toiletries bag. (I swear there is someone somewhere dishing out odd conditions to menopausal women and cackling away to themselves ‘think that’s bad wait til you see what I have waiting for you next!’). Anyway – I scream as my eyes start to burn and race to the taps to rinse them out. WTF? After ten mins of splashing cold water on my eyes I put my specs on and look at the eye drops. Which aren’t eye drops but cuticle cream. In the exact same shape and feckin colour! Wheeeeee – down the snake I go.

Off to work next and glance in mirror to check my red eyes out – and almost crash the car as I realise that in the night I have gained a desperate dan chin. Out with the tweezers (there are sets everywhere – bags/bathrooms/glove compartment) and wheeeee down another snake.

Renew my car insurance – £156. Feel very smug as friends 18 year old is having to pay just over £1600 for hers. It is a minor victory but I am taking it as a ladder and head on up again.

Then I make an appointment to get my helix pierced. Been wanting it for a while but now at age where I am saying ‘fuckit’ a lot more often and not ‘waiting’ any more. So up another ladder.

Head off to a meeting and two men barge in front of me and into the lift. I step in and they hit Floor 12. I hit floor one. Just before I exit I let out a silent but deadly fart and hit every button from 1 to 12. My menopausal superpower of invisibility allows me to do such things. I smile and move up the ladder as I imagine them jolting up every floor one at a time while surrounded in non too fragrant air (I had tandoori last night).

But then it’s down a snake as I can’t remember what feckin room I am supposed to be going to. Slide down a snake as I wander aimlessly til I see someone I recognise.

Then down another snake when half way through the meeting for no apparent reason I start to well up remembering the lovely little turtles in the amazing David Attenboroughs ‘Blue Planet’ that kept going to the lights of the town instead of the light of the moon and got knocked down/trodden on/fell down drains. I start a little pity party in my head when I realise I am one of those turtles – never quite sure what direction to go in and often going the wrong way. Fortunately no-one notices as I am still invisible.

Head for home and stop for Zumba. Hide at back of class as usual. But perky 17 year old stand in instructor Chelsea decides to play an oh so hysterically funny game and runs to the back of the room and gets us all to turn round. So I am now at the front and wonder who the old fat woman is in the front. I realise it is me just as Chelsea with the ‘thigh gap’ starts dancing away and I with the ‘thigh slap’ start sliding back down the the next snake.

Pick up my HRT prescription next. The woman at the pharmacy tells me proudly that she managed the menopause completely naturally and would never touch the stuff. Resist temptation to tell her that HRT is the only thing stopping me leaping over the counter and poking her in the eye with my car key. See this as a win of sorts and go up the ladder.

But I suppose the thing to remember is – every time you end up at the bottom of a snake, your next move could just take you to the foot of the next ladder……

xx

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Twitter: @gallopingcatast

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