Love Island is getting a bit of stick for featuring only the young and the beautiful.
So I got to wondering what would it be like if they moved all the girls out and replaced them with menopausal women! I think it might go a bit like this:
Voice Over Man:
“Welcome to Love Island. Sponsored by Tena Lady.
Tensions are brewing in Paradise tonight as the 10 menopausal women brought in yesterday to replace the previous female contestants make their presence known.
We have to share the sad news that Joe has made the decision to leave the show. His experience of 3 years living with a menopausal mother made it an easy decision for him and was taken as an acceptable mitigating circumstance.
Big Mags is on the warpath”
Cut to the Island with most of the contestants sitting round the pool.
Big Mags appears from the house:
“Where the FUCK are my tweezers and my magnifying mirror”?
Curtis and Tommy are quivering slightly – Curtis more so as he knows he broke the mirror yesterday when trying to make a fire with it and the sun and some paper thinking it would make him look all Bear Grylls and he might get his own TV series.
“we don’t know honestly Mags – we don’t. Your eyebrows look fine to us though Mags” he mumbles
“Not for my fucking eyebrows you twats – for the pubes on my chin”
Tommy to Curtis:
“Pubes? Do women have pubes? I thought it was just us blokes”
“News to me mate – never seen a pube on any girl I’ve ever dated – not on their chin or anywhere”
Tommy and Curtis ponder this strange concept.
Jordan wanders down to join them rubbing his eyes with tiredness. He was paired with Lou last night. He had tried it on with her having heard a lot about ‘Cougars’ and their sexual prowness. But she had told him to piss off and if that wasn’t bad enough he did not sleep a wink due to her nocturnal flatulence and snoring.
He is not the only one to have not slept. Anton is curled up on a sun lounger dozing and refusing to ever sleep in the same bed as Rose again. He has been to the Diary Room and shared his concerns. Just before he entered the Island he had completed a thesis on spontaneous combustion and explains it to the producer “it occurs by self heating due to an increase in temperature due to exothermic internal reactions” he says ” then it is followed by a thermal runaway then finally autoignition”. The producer tries to be patient but has just discovered that the 90 packets of maltesers he had stored away have disappeared and only the wrappers remain -and his assistant has told him that Rose and Lou have ate them all and are showing no remorse. ‘Can you get to the point Anton?’ he says as kindly as he can as he racks his brain to think where he can get 90 packets of maltesers in time for the live special ‘Who can stick the most Maltesers up Their Bumhole’ competition in just 2 hours time.
Anton is very concerned ‘It’s Rose – I think she is in danger of Spontaneous Human Combustion’ he hisses. “her body was well over 100 degrees last night on several occasions”
“Oh Fuck Off” says the producer making a mental note to edit his less than sympathetic response out. Anton is petulant and says he refuses to sleep in the same bed as someone who may ignite and set him on fire.
Big Mags is complaining about everything. Anton asks timidly why she doesn’t just leave if she is so unhappy.
Big Mags tells him it’s because she forgot to get a fucking pension and the appearance fee will mean she can afford beans to go with her toast. Anton isn’t too sure what a pension is but feels it would be a mistake to ask.
Cut to Break
Adverts for tweezers, magnifying mirrors, plus size clothes and vaginal moisturiser are shown
Voice Over Man:
“Back to our Contestants. Jane is here to steal one of the menopausal womens men”
Cut to the garden where the menopausal women look like they couldn’t actually give a flying fuck.
Jane appears – she has been on HRT for 4 weeks and her libido has returned with avengence. .
Joe is keen to impress and gets going with his moves – ‘Whassupppp’ he says ‘you so pretty – your gorjus’ he says. He is determined to get some action and this normally works. Jane isn’t interested though. She has heard there is a Ballroom and Latin Dancer and is a lifelong fan of Strictly. So she chooses Curtis and they pair off. Liz who had been partnered with him breathes a sigh of relief she can feck off with her appearance fee and get back to reality. She was starting to get really worried that her hormones would make her do something that might end up in prison. Though in her 3am anxiety wake up hours she sometimes contemplates that at least she wouldn’t have to pay the sodden TV licence fee and would get three square meals a day. Prison, she decides, is a reasonable back up plan for when her pension runs out. .
Curtis and Jane disappear and arrive back two hours later. Jane is dishevelled but has a smile as wide as the River Clyde . Curtis looks a little shellshocked and plans to get on the dark web to see if he can get an of this HRT stuff for himself.
What do you think? Would it take off? What would your Menopausal Love Island consist of?
PS I did my very first podcast!!! It was fabulous – with the amazing Meg Matthews. You can hear it here…..
“Available on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/…/megs-menopause-p…/id1466800770…