Six Menopausal Women Go Mad in Crete

So here we are … six menopausal women going mad(Der) in Crete! Twenty years since the last time we all went crazy in Greece!

And there are some changes! Twenty years ago our washbags bulged with cosmetics including the essential body shop face bronzer to contour those amazing cheekbones we all had but did not appreciate til the menopausal weight gain rendered them a distant memory! Now the essentials in our washbags are our tweezers! Not for our eyebrows as in a cruel twist of fate just as your chin gets hairier your eyebrows start to go bald!

Well I say all of us .. Joyce hasn’t got her tweezers as she was too tight to pay for her bag to go into the hold so they were confiscated as she took her carry on bag through security. The security guard was rather shocked by her reaction .. clearly never having got between a menopausal woman and her tweezers before! I think Joyce maybe over reacted by screaming that if she was going to “blow the fucking plane up I would have brought a fucking grenade along not a pair of fucking tweezers”
But we managed to get her away before she could be arrested by a promise of gin and a lend of our tweezers when we got there! I had a quiet word with her about maybe restarting the hrt she gave up a couple of months ago.

We also have a shit load more medications. Thyroxine.. statins … medication for high blood pressure all adorn the kitchen surfaces. And the hrt for some. Supplements for others. Personally I can’t see my symptoms being relived by dabbing aloe Vera on my temples but if t works for shazza then who am I to judge!

We have been splashing about in our bikinis in the pool. We worked out that between us we were about 14 stone heavier than last time but do you know how we managed to get bikini body ready? Yup .. we just put a fecking bikini on … and ta dahhhh that was it! Then we decided the seclusion of our villa meant an all over tan was a necessity. Suns oot taps aff as they say in my home town! We are a little more battered than before with scars from ops and tumbles. And gravity has taken its toll. And we bear more emotional scars from the inevitable lows that join the highs of getting older .. watching people we love get sick and die .. divorces… heartbreaks … disappointments. So you”ll excuse us for not giving a shit that the fashion journalists Decree a one piece more flattering to the over 40 figure. We just look over each other’s broken fences and admire the flowers in each other’s gardens

In the restaurants the waiters no longer ogle us … focussing on the young and the beautiful! But we wait patiently discussing the best use of our menopausal superpower of invisibility … we discount a bank heist but are still considering a shoplifting spree at John Lewis.

We wander off to our rooms and come back to ask what we went in for. We have conversations that are littered with “have I already said that?” And “am I repeating myself?”. We are half way through our holiday books before we realise we think we have read them before.

Our reading glasses now adorn various surfaces and we take turns to lose them and help others find theirs.

We are gutted to realise we are so shit with technology we can’t figure out how to get strictly on the iPad. So we do our own version which owes more to enthusiasm than talent! But who cares coz we are not getting judged and no-one is watching … we follow up with an xfactor competition with various cats that now live with us ever since the word got out that shazza dropped a bit of chicken on the balcony last night yowling in accompaniement! But Simon can’t hear us.

We nap in the afternoon and go to bed at the same time we used to head out to the clubs at. And we don’t care!

I am not sure if sunshine and being slightly pissed is helping our symptoms but they certainly help us give less of a toss about them!

Night night … bedtime for us all now … am thinking of the poem I like by Veronica sholsoff … “plant your own garden and decorate your own soul” … definately good advice for the menopausal woman!

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