I was watching that Love Island the other night and it got me thinking – what would it be like if they moved all the girls out and replaced them with menopausal women! I think it might go a bit like this:
Voice Over Man:
Welcome to Love Island. Sponsored by Tena Lady.
Tensions are brewing in Paradise tonight as the 10 menopausal women brought in yesterday to replace the previous female contestants make their presence known.
We have to share the sad news that Jack has made the decision to leave the show. His experience of 3 years living with a menopausal mother is taken as an acceptable mitigating circumstance.
Big Mags is on the warpath
Cut to the Island with most of the contestants sitting round the pool.
Big Mags appears from the house:
“Where the FUCK are my tweezers and my magnifying mirror”?
Wes and Jack are quivering slightly – Wes more so as he knows he broke the mirror yesterday when trying to make a fire with it and the sun and some paper thinking it would make him look all Bear Grylls and he might get his own TV series after the series.
“we don’t know honestly Mags – we don’t. Your eyebrows look fine to us though Mags”
“Not for my fucking eyebrows you twats – for the pubes on my chin”
Wes to Jack:
“Pubes? Do women have pubes? I thought it was just us blokes”
“News to me mate – never seen a pube on any girl I’ve ever dated – not on their chin or anywhere”
Jack and Wes ponder this strange concept.
Charlie wanders down to join them rubbing his eyes with tiredness. He was paired with Lou last night. He had tried it on with her having heard a lot about ‘Cougars’ and their sexual prowness. But she had told him to piss off and if that wasn’t bad enough he did not sleep a wink due to her nocturnal flatulence and snoring.
He is not the only one to have not slept. Sam is curled up on a sun lounger dozing and refusing to ever sleep in the same bed as Rose again. He has been to the Diary Room and shared his concerns. Just before he entered the Island he had completed a thesis on spontaneous combustion and explains it to the producer “it occurs by self heating due to an increase in temperature due to exothermic internal reactions” he says ” then it is followed by a thermal runaway then finally autoignition”. The producer tries to be patient but has just discovered that the 90 packets of maltesers he had stored away had disappeared and only the wrappers remain -and his assistant has told him that Rose and Lou have ate them all and are showing no remorse. ‘Can you get to the point Sam?’ he says as kindly as he can as he racks his brain to think where he can get 90 packets of maltesers in time for the live special ‘Who can stick the most Maltesers up Their Bumhole’ competition in just 2 hours time.
Sam is very concerned ‘It’s Rose – I think she is in danger of Spontaneous Human Combustion’ he hisses. “her body was well over 100 degrees last night on several occasions”
“Oh Fuck Off” says the producer making a mental note to edit his less than sympathetic response out. Sam is petulant and says he refuses to sleep in the same bed as someone who may ignite and set him on fire.
Big Mags is complaining about everything. Wes asks timidly why she doesn’t just leave if she is so unhappy.
Big Mags tells him it’s because she forgot to get a fucking pension and the appearance fee will mean she can afford beans to go with her toast. Wes isn’t too sure what a pension is but feels it would be a mistake to ask.
Cut to Break
Adverts for tweezers, magnifying mirrors, plus size clothes and vaginal moisturiser are shown
Voice Over Man:
Back to our Contestants. Jane is here to steal one of the menopausal womens men
Cut to the garden where the menopausal women look like they couldn’t actually give a flying fuck.
Jane appears – she has been on HRT for 4 weeks and her libido has returned with avengance. .
Idris is keen to impress and starts to gyrate – ‘Whassupppp’ he says ‘you so pretty – your gorjus’ he says. He is determined to get some action and this normally works. Jane isn’t interested. She has heard there is a Doctor and feels that at her time of a life a Doctor is of more use. So she chooses Alex and they pair off. Liz breathes a sigh of relief she can feck off with her appearance fee and get back to reality. She was starting to get really worried that her hormones would make her do something that might end up on the news.
Alex and Jane disappear and arrive back two hours later. Jane is dishevelled but has a smile as wide as the River Clyde and Alex looks shocked having learned more about a womans body than he did in 7 years in medical school!
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