So this is a picture of my dinner.
Because I have decided that a VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) is the way to go to shift this menopausal beef.
I used to think it was a really unhealthy way to lose weight but I watched a thing on the telly last week that seemed to suggest otherwise. And my pal kindly said that it would be ok for me to do it as I am obese as opposed to just overweight. So that and studying the before and after pictures of celebrities who have done a VLCD concluded my research. (though tbh I would have been v happy looking like their ‘before’ pictures)
Everyone knows being a fatso isn’t good at any time but especially so in the menopause years when the fat migrates to your belly and thus gives far greater health risks than if it were more evenly distributed around your frame. And you have a tendency to low moods anyway and this is made much worse by having to shop in the plus size lines.
I just can’t be arsed with the one pound off.. half a pound off stuff. And I am a woman of extremes. So decided to give this a go.
I found my ‘Consultant’ by searching on the website for someone that looked like me. Bingo. Found someone that was the same height as me and started when she was two stone heavier than me. She is now 3 stone lighter than me and looks exactly like I want to look. Even her frame is similar to me.
So I rock up to the office fully focussed and determined. I was going to get all the stuff then head to Tesco for a last bingefest before kicking off (Sometimes I do wonder if all these pre-diet pigouts are actually responsible for my fatness)
The first surprise was that the woman bore a lot more resemblance to her ‘before’ picture than the ‘after’ one. I am pretty sure she is heavier than I am now. I am not sure how I feel about this. Isn’t this the equivalent of turning up to AA and finding the leader is pissed? But I am too British to comment.
I get weighed and she proclaims me fat enough to go on the diet. I listen to all the mumbo jumbo then choose my products. Lots of powders and bars. Sixty quid later and I am ready to go.
But I haven’t got a bag!! Totally forgot – and I am really wanting to save the bloomin planet but once again I have forgotten. No worries my Consultant says – I have a nice big plastic one here. Yes she does – a huge brightly coloured plastic bag festooned with the name of the diet company.
‘Um – don’t you have any others’ I ask rather shyly. ‘Nope’ she says cheerily. FFS – so I have to march through town clutching my bag that proclaims to the world I am a fatso and on a major crash diet. Does she know the areas I have to walk through on my way home? Then I remember – Tesco – I can hardly go in there for my last big pigout and put my cakes and biscuits and curry into this bag – it would be mortifying.
So I find a quiet spot and pull everything out – turn the carrier bag inside out and refill it. Then I twirl it tight at the top – round and round. Thats better – I can walk without embarrassment.
I buy a few wee treats as my final hurrah before 12 weeks of powder and shakes. I buy a nice big Tesco bag and put my VLCD stuff in the bottom. Then I take them back and scoff them while I read the smallprint for my new diet. It would appear that nausea, hair loss and bad breath are possibilities. But for the degree of weight loss they promise – that seems to be a small price to pay.
I start my first day full of promise. I decide to have what the consultant described as a lovely cold chocolate milk shake. Except there is no chocolate. And there is no milk. And it isn’t lovely. So I beg to feckin differ. It is powder with water. And the powder is all clumpy and lumpy. And it tastes disgusting. OK – VLCD Consultants – I challenge you to take a big glass of cold full fat milk – add some hot chocolate powder (proper stuff – none of your options shite) and a huge scoop of chocolate ice cream and shove it in a blender. WHIZZZZ. Then when done put some scooshy cream on the top with a crumbled flake on top of that. Trust me – your shake aint ever gonna win a taste challenge against that.
Oh well – off to work and I take my bar with me for lunch. It looks most forlorn in my bag but it will have to do. I am a little worried about the evening as I am off out with friends. My consultant said it would be fine to take a powder and tell the kitchen to make it up for me. I suspect that may have as much truth as the ‘just like a chocolate shake’ comment. Maybe Madonna can have chefs whisk up her special meals but can’t see Pizza Express doing it tbh. I decide to consult the facebook page I have been added to for advice. Before I do so I delete off the slimming world, weight watchers, and various other pages I was a member of before realising that VLCD was the way forward.
Hmm – the advice in general seems to be just don’t go out and instead go home and have a bath and an early night. I can’t not go out for 12 weeks! I read through more of the comments. ‘Just order water and say you ate earlier’ says Mary who has lost 19lbs and looks slimmer but sadder in her after picture. Well I am gonna look a complete fanny if I do that – ‘oh yes I knew I was coming out for dinner so decided to eat before I came’. I decide it is my first night so I won’t have booze or pudding and choose a salad.
And I pretty much stick to that apart from just one glass of wine, a side order of chips and half of my friends sticky toffee pudding with ice cream. But apart from that I did well. I go home after a couple of hours because generally speaking when people are pissed they talk shite. Which is fine when you are also pissed and talking shite but not so much when you are sober. I may have to get some new tee total friends.
You have to drink loads and loads of water. I am finding that a challenge. Up til now I only found water tasty if I woke up with a raging hangover. Then it is the most beautiful gorgeous drink in the entire world. But – when I am sober – it is just meh!
But I am a trier – so I bought my big water bottle that says things like ‘oh keep drinking’ and ‘well done half way there’ to encourage you and feel well cool stoating about to meetings swinging it like all the other health conscious people. I hadn’t paid much attention before but some peoples water bottles are MASSIVE and I am starting to pick up on water bottle envy. Who knew a water bottle could be a fashion statement. Also – drinking a lot of water has other problems. There is no input without output. I have to go to the toilet a LOT.
The week progresses with me working my way through the products. Here is my helpful guide to some of them:
Pecan Porridge – billed as a ‘delicious option to have any time of the day’. Nope – it is feckin disgusting and the texture and taste resembles wallpaper paste
Bolognaise – billed as a ‘classic italian dish’ Well it is feck all ‘like your mama used to make’. If you have ever had bolognaise then threw it up then eaten the vomit then thrown it up again – I would imagine it tastes a bit like this
Spicy Couscous – billed a a ‘truly authentic dish’. Well it is authentically disgusting but the consolation is that it is so spicy that your mouth will burn so much you probably won’t notice.
Chicken and Mushroom soup – billed as ‘warm and inviting’ — hmm about as inviting as a runny dog turd
Macaroni Cheese – billed as a ‘mouthwatering classic’. Just don’t.. Trust me – just don’t!!
Vanilla Rice Pudding – billed as ‘fluffy light with a delicious vanilla undertone’. See comments on pecan porridge above.
Bars – billed as a ‘lovely naughty chocolatey treat’. Nope – a galaxy bar is a lovely chocolatey treat. These are like cardboardy yuckiness
You get the picture.
It is weigh in tomorrow. And I am not sure I can carry on with it tbh – I stuck it coz had spent £60 on the stuff and had no money left for real food. Well when i say stuck it – I mean apart from the extra things in Pizza Express and a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a few of my partners chips. And a slice of birthday cake at work because it would have been rude not to. And a Jack Daniels. And a Glayva. Apart from that I have been spot on.
I have worked out that if I had a mars bar and a packet of crisps and a Freddo Frog every day that would be about the same in calories as this stuff. Not nutritionally sound perhaps but much tastier.
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