So I had another wee trip to the menopause cafe last week – I would definitely recommend and not just for the free cake (though there is a very varied selection and they don’t mind how many slices you eat) and the goody bag (lots of nice things in there including chocolate and a little packet of love hearts in the last one).
Bit of advice though – put your glasses on and look carefully at the packaging of the treats in these goody bags – I spent 20 mins with my face covered in lube as the pack closely resembled a free facepack sample. To be fair it actually did quite a good job – my skin looked really good and glowing. And I suppose if it is sensitive enough to be used down there then it will be fine on your face. But don’t think I will be making a habit of it.
The conversation at my Menopause Cafe table had turned to a heated debate over what was the worst menopausal symptom. I cannot recall what we decided the worst one was but let’s face it – there are quite a few to choose from. The Menopausal Fairy really is a gift that just keeps giving.
I was making use of the bright sunlight this morning by positioning the mirror in the sunniest window and plucking out the hairs from my chin and for the first time also my neck which was an odd experience and trying to remember what we agreed the worst symptom was. There were a couple that complained about the excess hair that comes from the fluctuating hormones but that isn’t the worst for me. I mean – if it wasn’t for my supply of tweezers and focussed attention I would resemble that bearded lady in The Greatest Showman (apart from the singing bit because I can’t hold a note) but it just takes a bit of work and it is generally fine. I was going to tell these women that as they were visibly hirsute but I managed to restrain myself which is unusual – as many women will testify the filter between brain and mouth often goes missing during the menopausal years
The hot flushes were keenly debated – if you haven’t had one you just can’t imagine it – after my first few I was googling ‘spontaneous human combustion’ as I seriously thought I might be a candidate for it – because I just could not believe that that level of heat in your body was natural and normal under any circumstances. But I am pretty sure that came second in the list of crap symptoms.
The menopausal midriff is a bit crap too but that is what smocks, loose tops and pregnancy jeans are for.
That bone crushing exhaustion that hits you like a ten ton truck when you least want it to. That exhaustion that pulls down on every bone and every fibre of your being when you just have to lie down before you fall down. When you truly can’t believe you can keep going for another minute.
Meg Matthews and a million other celebrities banging on about their ‘terrible menopause’ and how they solved it my spending ten million quid at a Harley Street Doctor and taking 2 years off work and just resting, going on retreats, having a personal chef whip them up lovely plant based meals and a personal trainer to keep them in shape – and recommending we all do the same kind of gets on my tits too. And Meg Matthews kindly organising a big conference that we can go to for just £95 or £150 if we want the VIP package – I mean did she forget a feckin pension plan or something so decided to make a few quid by converting from ‘Britpop icon’ (her words not mine) to Menopause Advocate (her words again – I mean who would advocate the feckin menopause ffs).. I know that’s not really a symptom but it pisses me off so I am going to include it. Feck off with your glossy hair and your slim bodies and perfect skin – feck off feck off feck off – stop telling us all how we can be just like you. We can’t – we don’t have millions of quid and if we don’t show up at work for two years we’ll end up on the streets selling the Big Issue – which to be fair would stop us worrying about the menopause I suppose…
Anyway I digress – and I have just remembered. The worst symptom – forgetfulness!! Or at least that is the worst for me. Everyone is different but this is certainly the one that has the biggest impact on my life. I could write for hours on the various episodes that have blighted me since the Menopausal Fairy decided to raid my memory but here are a few highlights:
🤔This morning I was walking back from Tesco convinced I had forgotten something. I had made a list but I had forgotten it – so had to rely on memory. I ran through the things in my head – bread, bananas, eggs, bacon (not doing the vegan thing anymore), washing powder. Racked my brains. Got home, made a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich. Then I realised there was no slevering dog trying to get a bit.. – the dog!! OMG I had forgotten Sweet Dog. Sweet Dog was still tied up outside Tesco waiting for her rubbish useless owner. Oh dear god… that dog already has abandonment issues (she is a rescue)…. what have I done. I had to leap in the car and tear down to find her like Naebodys Wean – patiently waiting but with a sadness in her eyes that made me cry my eyes out all the way home. It made me think of Greyfriars Bobby and that made me cry even more. Forgetting is awful but then remembering you forgot is even worse.
🤔The other night I stood clicking my car key at the door getting increasingly frustrated it wasn’t opening. Then realised I was trying to open my front door. Thank god none of my neighbours witnessed that debacle.
🤔Last week at work I could not remember where I had parked the car. Our car park is HUGE and goes on literally for miles and I could not remember the section I had left it in. I wandered round pressing the key button hopefully looking out for the flashing lights. Nothing. Finally in frustration I decided to get the bus back home then return late at night when it would be the only feckin car left and easy to spot. So I waited at the bus stop… Then remembered – I’d got the feckin bus in that morning as I was going out for a drink with a friend. Which I had also forgotten but at least remembered in time to still make it.
🤔 The other day I went to someones desk at work to ask something and when I got there I hadn’t a clue what I went to ask. And just stood looking at them like some wierd stalker. I have lost track of the number of times I have stared blankly at my screen trying to remember what the feck the password is… that blinking cursor mocking me as I try to remember if I made a note of it anywhere and if so what it was.
I could go on (and on) but I won’t …
Because I have forgotten all the other things I have forgotten..
What is the worst symptom for you?
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