Quark

Two and a half pounds ON at Fat Club!!! I kind of knew it coz I did stick to the plan but over and above it I had 6 bottles of wine, four meals out, three fry ups (not done in frylight), four bars of chocolate, six jack daniels and coke, a kebab and a fish supper. I gave up counting the syns after the first fry up as even though I am good at sums I just couldn’t be arsed – I was in the holiday mood. Two of my holiday companions were also fatter than me so I just made sure I stood beside them for photos. Also when I am a bit drunk I don’t really care about being fat anymore and I was a bit drunk for a lot of the holidays.

So it was all fun and games til I saw the photos on Facebook and had to spend quite some time messaging various people to get them to delete them and NEVER EVER to post a photo of me looking a size 20 again. And yes I KNOW I AM a size 20 but for god’s sake – photoshop!

So I decided to go back to Fat Club – but not to hang about in class – just do the walk of fat shame from the scales to the door and run for it. I was not the only one – the Easter Holidays seemed to have had the same effect on us all! We all had our excuses at the ready – some more plausible than others. One of the members declared that she knew she had gained this week as she just ‘hadn’t eaten enough’. I love her optimism!! Yep – another six easter eggs and you would have nailed it!!

Another felt she had just not drank enough water and that is why she gained 5lbs. And another had walked to work twice that week and had read that ‘muscle weighs more than fat’ and that was the reason for her 2lb weight gain. I was a little confused – surely a lb of muscle weights the same as a lb of fat? And also I can see the athletes at the Commonwealth Games in oz using that as a valid excuse but not someone who had done 2 x 20 minute walk in a week.

Another said in a quiet whisper it was her ‘star week’. One of the guys was most confused but regretted asking when he got a detailed explanation of her menstrual cycle. The Leader was most understanding and made a wee note beside her name. Another four weeks til she can use that excuse again!

I also couldn’t cope with more happy clappy stuff and was more than a little afraid that they might ask for the 7lb loss certificate back as officially now I have only lost 4.5lbs. So I decided to use the time to do something more productive – a trip to the supermarket as I have laid out our menu for the entire week to get back on plan. And it is a very long list full of ingredients that would not normally go into my basket so we may be there some time!

I had looked at our slimming world private facebook page for inspiration on recipes. Me and my partner invented an interesting game of ‘do you know what it is yet?’ using the pictures on the page – you are welcome to steal this game – it passes things like 2 hour delays in airports!. My partner guessed the first one to be deep fried dog turd on radioactive nuclear waste. That was wrong – it was actually Slimming World meatballs on brocolli rice. But we gave half a point because to be fair it did look like something you would use a poop scoop on.

The page may achieve its aim of ensuring it’s readers weight loss though – as after reading it I was so nauseous I did not want to eat for a good half hour. I have saved some of the pictures on my phone so I can look at them if I want to stop myself eating. I mean – really – a cabbage and leek omelette? I would not want to be downwind of the diner of that particular dish a few hours later!!

We did wonder if someone was talking the piss – one proud wife showed the dinner her husband had ready for her – a baked potato with a grilled courgette, fried mushrooms, ten crabsticks and a tin of beans on top!!! She declared him a ‘keeper’!

Another posted their breakfast – five fried eggs, ten rashers of bacon, mound of fried mushrooms, and six SW sausages. ‘All free food’ the caption boasted. Hmm – I like an avocado chopped up on my toast sometimes but avocado BAD. Very BAD – so full of syns that I would have to say several hail mary’s if I gave in to temptation!! But hey a heart attack on a plate is absolutely fine.

We decided to use a modicum of common sense. So we had a doughnut to take away the ‘taste’ of those images and planned out some meals using our slimming world app. We wrote them all up on our white board and were most impressed and had a good laugh as we looked forward to our slim summer bodies.

We were not laughing an hour later in Tesco. ‘Do we actually need feckin quark?’ my partner asked after a frustrating search down several aisles of yogurts and creams. ‘YES’ I said – we need it to make our curries smoother and our pasta dishes less dry and to put on meringues to make them delicious for just a tiny syn. It is the answer to EVERYTHING! Perhaps even world peace! We need them to cook every bloody thing for the full feckin week – KEEP LOOKING!!’. Finally I googled it – feckin soft cheese! Who would put soft bloody cheese on a meringue? We bought several pots as it IS mission critical for Slimming World success. And my partner will do anything that even just possibly eases the menopausal symptoms that have blighted me over the last few months. (not enough hail Marys in the world to atone for some of the things I have done and said….oops…. some were on purpose tbh but I just blamed the menopause anyway).

Another half hour of arguments and trailing up and down aisle after aisle debating such things as would mixed herbs would be a good replacement for the myriad of expensive spices required? Would we need a second mortgage to buy all this stuff? But no – if we are doing it we are doing it right so we bought every last thing on the list. But we were quite knackered then and I remembered two things – the sharpie pens that the lady at fat class brought in so we could ‘draw a line’ under our naughty few days and also the concept of ‘flexible syns’ where if you feel like it you just eat what you want and start again the next day. So as we passed the reduced aisle we spotted a curry meal for four down to a tenner so we got that and some onion bhajis and some of those cream doughnuts with the strawberry sauce on them. And a bottle of white. But we are DEFINITELY drawing a line under this and starting properly tomorrow.

We almost fainted at the check out when it came to £210 instead of our usual £40 but we reassured ourselves that most of this was stuff for our ‘cupboard essentials’ which up til now consisted of pringles, squashies and chocolate eclairs. But now we are doing things RIGHT. No more grabbing a sausage roll in the work canteen in the morning – NO Siree – we will be taking our Overnight Oats in. No more fish and chips for lunch – we will have our salmon and salad and fruit. No more meals out – we will be going a brisk walk then back for a tasty king prawn curry made with lovely creamy quark.

Note to slimming world – a spoon of quark on a meringue is NOT an acceptable replacement for double cream…. just saying!

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#menopause #slimmingworld #quark

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