Fat Club

So I joined Slimming World earlier this week. The menopausal midriff is starting to really get me down so I had to do something.

I swore I would never ever ever attend another ‘Fat Club’ after Weight Watchers a couple of years ago when my first meeting was spent listening to someone called Big Mags crying her eyes out as she had ‘stuck to the plan completely apart from 2 Jaffa Cakes when she was watching Coronation Street on Wednesday’ and still managed to gain 4lbs which has pushed her back over 20 stones. I suspected she was lying. And I suspected the leader knew she was lying but we all colluded to make her believe it was maybe just a wee gland issue or something. The next week I had to endure some skinny kid waffle on about how she couldn’t believe she had lost 3lbs after she had got drunk all weekend, had 2 kebabs and a chinese takeaway. It was my first week and I had stuck to it all week and lost one pound. ONE POUND!! And I was starving and mad so stopped for a fish supper, a black forest gateaux and a bottle of wine on they way home and that was the end of that!

But the summer is coming and I cannot bear another summer of the dreaded chub rub under my summer dresses. And I am so over shopping in Evans! And people keep telling me you can stuff your face on Slimming World and still lose weight. So seemed to suit me to the ground.

So off I went – after one last splurge on takeaway, wine, crisps and a huge bag of cadburys chocolate eclairs. Sort of like a last hoorah before joining the slimming mafia.

And god it was boring. The big long talk for newbies on A choices/B choices/syns/free foods/speed foods that none of us really listened to as we were desperately trying to find the page that told us how much chocolate, cake and wine we could have in a day.

Then everyone individually said what had led them to gain or lose weight the previous week. There wasn’t much variation on the theme of eating too much/eating what you were supposed to. A huge round of applause followed each person and my head was really hurting because of the wine. I had a stone in my shoe and it was annoying me but I kept pressing down on it enjoying the release from the boredom the pain gave me.

A discussion of how we could all do better next week then ensued. One of the older ladies shared her tip of getting her husband to hide her false teeth at 5pm so she couldn’t eat anything else that night. I almost spat out my hifi bar (slimming world product that costs a fortune but apparently will curb your chocolate cravings. This turned out to be a lie – but more on that later) laughing. But I was the only one – everyone else was nodding earnestly. I swear a couple were thinking of having their teeth removed so they could do the same.

Then it was the dreaded weigh in. Another newbie was just before me and dressed in heavy jeans and a heavy sweater. She was dripping with sweat and I thought aha a fellow hot flusher! But no….she told me that she also had two t shirts under the jumper because wearing really heavy clothes the first week then lighter ones the next week means you lose much more weight that week. Hmmm – she seemed quite bright as well but appearances can be deceptive.

I had to set a target weight – I was going to go for my weight before this menopausal madness all started. That means a loss of around 40lb. That seemed like an awful lot so I decide to keep 10lbs as a kind of souvenir so that brings it down to 30 which seems a bit more manageable.

Finally my turn for the weight in. Oh God. I pull my trainers off and get on the scales – that bloody stone is now stuck to my sock. I reach down to brush it away. But it isn’t a stone. It is a Cadburys chocolate eclair! The weigher in person looks at me in what I can only say is disgust as I peel it off my sock. I can’t see a bin and my diet hasn’t officially started yet and I am quite stressed – so i just pop it into my mouth. I don’t know why I did that really – just a reflex action to a sweetie I suspect. But it is an embarrassment I can ponder when I can’t sleep at 3am as I have to spend now being totally mortified at the figure on the scale. Then totally shocked that the woman doesn’t say ‘oh you don’t seem that big’ and just calmly writes the colossal figure down. Surely she can see that I must have heavy bones and make some kind of comment. But nope. Sometimes i wonder if I have reverse body dysmorphia – I can look at my body and think ‘oh not too bad’ til the number flashes up in neon lights on the scales as indisputable evidence.

Hey ho – off I went with the books and a determination to get thin. I had so many tips from the leader – it all seemed too good to be true. Because it was!! I have listed some of the SW tips I received on losing weight and compared them to the cold reality:

SW Tip:
Lovely hifi bars – great when you crave a bit of chocolate – just have one and your cravings will be gone. The leader actually said they were ‘the answer to her prayers’. Though she maybe just meant the amount of commission she got on them – they are not cheap!
Reality:
I can talk with great authority on this as I ate the entire boxful on the first night. They do not take away your cravings – they taste weird. And make your tummy cramp if you eat too many. I am going back to Galaxys. (just as an aside if my prayers were answered they would not in any way involve a box of hifi bars – so God if you are listening – a nice car, house by the sea, and most importantly to be able to fit my arse into a pair of size 14 jeans. World peace and all the rest too would be good – but whatever – don’t forget about the jeans thing)

SW Tip:
Put grapes in the freezer and when you take them out they taste like boiled sweeties
Reality:
No they don’t – they taste like frozen grapes

SW Tip:
You can go to the chippie with the family so you won’t feel left out
Reality:
Yes – but when you read the small print you can have a fish supper but with no chips and only if you peel all the batter off! Aye right!!! Coz peeling batter off your fish and not having any chips while everyone else gets tucked in to their beer battered fish and huge portions of fries really makes you feel part of it!

SW Tip:
Chop up a butternut squash, spray with fry light and stick in the oven for 20 mins – they come out just like chips from the chippie.
Reality:
A butternut squash is not squashy and has the texture of a rock rather than butter! Trying to chop it will bring on a menopausal rage of immense proportions. Once you have spent 20 mins peeling trying to chop and scooping out the seeds you won’t give a feck what it tastes like. Which is just as well – coz they are nothing like chippie chips. They taste of a rock hard vegetable – coz that is what they are!

SW Tip:
If you crave crisps, just sprinkle salt on some kale, blast with some fry light (have slimming world got shares in Fry Light? It is recommended for everything!!) and put in the oven
Reality:
Again I beg to feckin differ – nothing like a packet of Walkers Cheese and Onion.. Nothing at all

I could go on – but basically in order to have a weight loss next week I have to eat more healthy food, less unhealthy food and take more exercise.

And perhaps wear lighter clothes…..

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