Ironic – An Ode to the Menopausal Woman

So I mentioned Alanis Morrisettes song Ironic in my last blog. And today I was wondering how old it was. Want to guess?

Answer: It is 22 years old!!!!! What happens to time? It drags until you are about 25 then its like you have skidded on some of the remaining snow (which I did this morning and was so pissed off I stamped on the slippy bit twice which I think will definitely teach it a lesson!) and can’t stop yourself hurtling towards old age.

While I was Googling it, I discovered Alanis is now hitting her late 40s so may well be perimenopausal herself! Further Googling found some potential evidence. She apparently ‘rewrote’ the lyrics of Ironic to support gay marriage. I had to read the revised lyrics twice to find the ‘rewrite’. Basically she had changed the line ‘It’s like meeting the man of your dreams then meeting his beautiful wife’ to ‘it’s like meeting the man of your dreams then meeting his beautiful husband’. Not exactly a huge effort put in there – so perhaps she was suffering menopausal brain fog and fatigue and thought ‘Fuck it – It will do!’ which is an approach to work that I am also becoming increasingly aligned to.

Then I discovered a more witty rewrite she did with James Cordon (though given evidence above I feel James may have done most of it while she picked out a woolly hat to wear on his show – potentially to hide the thinning hair that also accompanies ‘the change’). Lines such as ‘it’s like swiping left on your future soulmate’ and ‘it’s a snapchat that you wish you had saved’ bring it bang up to date. Further googling revealed massive debate of whether or not the situations she wrote about really were ironic – but it was too hard to follow and I didn’t really care that much so I found Ironic on Spotify and had another wee listen.

Then I got to thinking – maybe she could rewrite it to reflect the irony of the menopause. I was mulling this over then my effin train ground to a halt and a twenty minute delay was announced – so I thought Feck It – I am going to write it for her. So I did. Here goes…(you may want to listen to the song again to get the tune if you want to sing along):

Ironic – An Ode to the Menopause By Me

A Middle Aged Woman turned 51
Started the menopause and cried the next day
It’s an empty fridge when all you want is some pinot
It’s a big fat belly when you used to wear skinnies
Isn’t it ironic – don’t you think?

Chorus
It’s like chin bristles when you’ve lost your tweezers
It’s the brain fog when you are really quite bright
And who would have thought you’d ever get this old

Ms Menopause thought her periods had stopped
She kissed her towels and tampons all goodbye
She waited her whole damn life to save some dosh on ‘sanitary protection’
And as she noticed the blood on the toilet roll she thought
Well isn’t this nice
And isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think?

Well menopause has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Just when you think everything is OK and everything is going right
And the menopause has a funny way of fucking you up
And everything goes wrong and everything blows up in a rage

A hot flush when you used to be cool
An uncontrollable temper and intense irritability
It’s like 10,000 moods when all you need is some gin
It’s meeting the man of your dreams and then realising your libido has gone
And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
A little too ironic, yes I really do think!

Repeat Chorus

Well menopause has a funny way of sneaking up on you
But friends and a sense of humour (and possibly HRT according to my poll) have a funny way of helping you out… helping you out…(fade to close)

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