So it was back to school for me today. My old school is being knocked down and to ‘celebrate’ they held a big open day with free cake and tea.
I wasn’t going to go on account of being fat and also hating every minute when I was forced to go – so not seeing the point today when I actually had a choice.
But to be honest they had me at ‘free cake’. And after seeing some facebook pictures of other pupils that were fatter than me. And good old FOMO kicked in (fear of missing out). And I wanted to have good facebook posts with me and my friends sitting at school desks. And I really wanted to draw on the chalkboards (I had originally wrote BlackBoard but my pals teacher daughter said that was now racist so it is a chalk board. I am a little confused as it is black and it is a board…. But I keep quiet because I got into trouble a little while ago at work for talking about brain-storming which is apparently offensive to epileptics and I was to use ‘thought shower’ in future. And I am trying to avoid turning into one of those people who are ignorant and offensive without meaning to be. Coz god knows my hormonal rages make me offensive enough as it is!),
I went to my mums first to make ‘going to school’ as realistic as possible. First shock of the day – thought I was looking pretty passible til I went to my Mum’s loo. She has had a new magnifying mirror put into the bathroom. The bathroom that faces directly into the sunlight. A cursory look turned to a shocked stare as I realised I had turned into Desperate Dan. Ten minutes with the tweezers had me looking relatively ok again – but it was a near miss!!! I remember how we used to slag Mrs Beardy Bain from Maths – feckin Karma!! Another parallel – though 32 years ago I would have been in front of the mirror squeezing spot after spot then dabbing the latest clearasil product on them before carefully arranging my hair to cover as much of my face as possible before heading to school.
Then my old school pals came over clutching some Buckfast to make things as realistic as possible. Which got me wondering if maybe the school will have organised any real life events to make us really feel like we were back there. The Nimmo brothers waiting with eggs to pelt us with? Fights set up so we could all gather round shouting FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT? Semolina in the canteen?
We tried the Buckfast and much as we wanted to recreate the experience it tasted so disgusting we just couldn’t. My mum reminded kindly that when we were 15 we had decades to enjoy good wine but now our lives are too short for crap wine. She then gave us 4 bottles of excellent Chablis then decided to leave us to it due to the ever increasing volume of Simple Minds which we decided we MUST play before we went.
COME IN COME OUT OF THE RAIN we yelled dancing around. I remember dancing at the school disco – I was just a wee blank dancing canvas so pretty much tried to copy the moves of the most popular girls there. But now I have my own style which has been described as ‘unique and energetic’. But I am not offended as it is totally my style. Well – tbh – maybe modelled a bit on Beyonce but what woman hasn’t played Single Ladies over and over on UTube til they had the moves down pat?
We then have a great idea – why don’t we dress up as school girls and recreate Hit Me One More Time by Britney down one of the corridors. We think this is a great idea and quickly text our HWABG (Husbands Wives And Boyfriends and Girlfriends) to see if they could get us some uniforms for lardy chicks. But then we debate – perhaps this is not really politically correct. So we decide to just do the dance and text all the HWABG to tell them not to bother – Dave is gutted as he was half way to Primark to pick them up – but they will just have to live with it. We film ourselves doing the dance and send it to them as a kind of consolation. Though having watched the video and reflected – a large amount of viagra would be required to turn anyone on after watching that!!
We are getting a bit tired with the dancing so it’s time to slow it down with DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME? Which made us sad but happy that we hadn’t forgotten about each other. So we had to hug a lot apart from Fee who was having a hot flush and told us all to fuck off. Then we had to cry for a wee while too while we tried to remember all the pupils we had forgotten about despite promising at the school disco we would never ever forget them. Like EVER! Then we remembered the ones at school who didn’t make it to this day. And we cry a bit more.
Slight panic then ensued as we realised the open day was going to finish in half an hour. So we all launched ourselves down to the school. Running late as always – but not quite as fit as we were and too pissed to drive so we were pretty knackered and sweaty when we got there.
And in we went with so many more parallels from our younger years. We were a mass of hormones there – and here we are again, slave to those strange things called hormones that control us like we are puppets on strings sometimes
We met Sad Sandy first who was always miserable at school. He attached himself to us and wandered around woefully talking about how he hated it here. We wandered from classroom to classroom sharing memories. We remembered the belt – and all felt it unbelievable that in our lifetimes it was perfectly legal for a 6 foot powerful man to take a tiny child and belt them pretty much on whim. Sandy shook his head sadly – ‘Mr Fletcher was the worst’ he said ‘I wish I could meet him now’.
“Would you punch him in the face?’ I asked. Sandy looked at me ‘No – it’s just that I am really into S&M now’. I am never sure if Sad Sandy is making a joke or not as he never smiles so I make a noise that is a cross between understanding and laughing. Thankfully Katy decides we should now run through the corridors the wrong way as there are no prefects to yell at us to go the right way and to WALK! We actually only run a few steps because we are knackered and starting to feel the effects of the wine in our legs. Then we go the right way because we are really quite sensible and are getting in peoples way (and slightly afraid that someone might give us a detention).
I am impressed with my ability to remember almost all my teachers names. Especially considering brain fog means I can’t remember what I had for breakfast and nowadays I forget the name of just about everyone I meet within 5 mins of meeting them!
We go to the PE Changing rooms which resemble something from Train Spotting so we make a hasty departure but fondly recall Rough as Feck Rachel piercing Softie Sophie’s ear with a bit of potato and a needle in their and her parents having to come and pick her up after she fainted. They took her to the Chemist in town to get the other one done – and tbh no one could tell which was which such was Rough as Feck Rachel’s skill with her ear piercing tools.
And finally we get to the cake stall. Or at least what was the cake stall!!!! We were too late – all cakes were gone!! Such was our devastation that two of the teachers who were running the tours gave us some celebration chocolates which helped a bit.
We were going to go on and get really pissed in the pubs we used to frequent with our fake ID when we were younger but tbh we were pretty exhausted after the excitement of the day and we all decided to go to our respective homes to watch Saturday Night Take Away with Ant and Dec after picking an Indian up on the way home. Just like our parents used to do……
SCHOOLS OUT FOREVER!!!