Magnito Growler!!

Got a fanny magnet yesterday! Well actually it’s official name is a ‘ladycare’ magnet. I have decided to try and get through the perimenopause and the menopause through natural means.

My pal ‘Five Corona Claire’ (on account of the fact everyone counts the beers she drinks when out and makes an excuse to leave when she hits number five as she then transforms from a lovely kind person to a mentalcase who wants to fight anyone within a 100 yard raidius) swears by it. It was £35 quid in Boots and the sales assistant who located it for me advised me that I should do HRT as she used it and it gave her back her sex drive which I did think was maybe too much information to divulge when we had barely met. But I got 140 boots advantage points and I am not convinced I want to take drugs yet so am giving it a go.

I opened it up in the loo in the pub and carefully put it on the front of my knickers as instructed. It is a lovely purpley glittery colour. Then I went to meet my pal for lunch in same pub feeling most grown up. I am taking control of my symptoms. My pal finally arrived and leant forward to give me a hug. As she did so – her lovely long metal pendant swung forward and attached itself to my groin!! She yanked it off ‘what the fuck’ she said. I explained my magnet and we got out the instructions. It is a ‘powerful static magnetic device’. She had some nail scissors in her bag – we tried attaching them and a spoon. The spoon didn’t hold but the nail scissors did!.

She asked how much it was as she might get one for her kids christmas. I told her and she said ‘what the fuck?’ again and told me she had a ton of crap fridge magnets the kids had collected over the years and she would have gladly give me them for free. She texted her husband to tell him, a bit pissed off coz I would not let her photograph it to put on instagram. He replied saying he was changing my name in his phone to ‘Magnito Growler’. My pal thought this hysterical. I, to be honest, was less amused. After a few glasses of wine, I started finding it more funny. And we found all manner of metal objects to attach to my groin – each one funnier than the last. I finally headed for home a little worse for wear.

I felt worse than I thought I would this morning. I normally go for lunchtime drinking where possible as the hangover then takes place when you are asleep thus leaving you refreshed for the next day. But I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I read a bit more of the instructions of the magnet. Apparently the only side effect is ‘slight flu like symptoms’ in the first couple of days. Well as today has gone on I have felt worse and worse. Could be co-incidence as everyone and his dog has a bug of some sort just now. But am not feeling good with swollen glands, sore throat, runny nose and thick head. Also – you are supposed to wear it 24/7 – I don’t really like wearing knickers at night. But it won’t stay on otherwise. I will keep going for a month though and see how it pans out. Who knows – this might be all I need. The packaging does say it ‘may’ help with hot flushes, bloating, mood swings and fatigue. It also says it ‘may’ help with improved skin tone, sleep and libido. The words ‘may’ appear a lot. It also says it it does this by ‘reducing excessive sympathetic nervous system (SNS) activity and increasing parasympathetic nervous system (PMS) activity. So that’s the science for anyone who has a clue what that means….I will keep you posted on its effectiveness!

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