THIS GIRL IS ON FIYAAARRRR…

Fancy winning a fabulous gift box of menopausal goodies from Andrea McLeans fabulous website ‘This Girl is on Fire’? (why can’t read that without standing up, grabbing my hairbrush as a mock microphone and singing “This girl is on FIYAAAARRRRRR…Oh she’s just a girl and she’s on FIYAAAAARRRRR” at the top of my voice Alicia Keyes style while throwing some fabulous shapes? (Note to self ensure curtains and window closed next time)

Or maybe you’ve always fancied seeing your name in print?

Well here’s your chance to go for it.

October 18th is World Menopause Day and ‘This Girl is on Fire’ is having a menopause month with lots of articles and videos on that very topic.

And their team have read the funny comments and stories that have been written under my blog posts and wondered if any of you would like to contribute.

You don’t need to be JK Rowling – just use your own lovely personal style – and it can be as short or as long as you like. They are looking for stories on the lighter side of the menopause – silly things you have done/forgetful things/maybe how coming through the menopause has changed your life for the better. We are all in it together – so this is a chance to share, discuss and laugh. Don’t be shy – you are among friends 😊

Have a look at the site: https://www.thisgirlisonfire.co.uk

Or email you story directly to: yourstory@thisgirlisonfire.co.uk

The best two will receive the wonderful goodie bag (the the slogan T shirts are my favourite – though with these feckin Amber weather warnings may have to upgrade to one of their slogan long sleeved tops soon!). I’ve read and reread Andreas fab book ‘Confessions of a Menopausal Woman’ – and a signed copy will also be in the pack along with a Confessions mug, notebook and tote bag.

So fuckit – writeit and sendit! Why not 🙂

You need to get it in by 28th September to be considered for the prizes – can’t wait to read all about it! (just had to jump up there and launch into ‘Read all About It’ Emile Sande Style ‘I wanna SCREAM til the words dry out’ – feck how many times have I wanted to do that since hitting the menopause!)

Good Luck.

Jen

xx

Image may contain: text
Is it just me?

Menopausal Poverty

The term ‘fucker of a day’ was coined by someone who had a day just like the one I’ve just had! Last day of work before annual leave – I head off to Glasgow and am almost there before I remember today is a day for the Edinburgh office and have to do a fecker of a reroute back! It should be law that forgetful menopausal women can only work in one place! Also none of my colleagues seem to have got the memo that on the last day before your holiday you do very little apart from turn on your ‘out of office’ and give everyone a regular countdown throughout the day of how long it is before you start your holidays. No – my colleagues got some other memo that said irritate the fuck out anyone going on holiday by asking them to meetings to discuss how things can stay ‘on piste’ in their absence or how x project can ‘maintain its flightpath’. And I had to pretend to be interested in all the things that would happen while I was lying on a beach drinking cocktails. Finally I got to bugger off home and would have loved to have gone on a pre holiday spa – get my nails and hair done etc. But I am suffering from ‘menopausal poverty’ which is the fresh hell you get after years of ‘period poverty’. Having to spend money on things like magnesium supplements; tena lady; a bigger size of clothes every two months; new shoes to cheer yourself up; buying friends lunch to make up for calling their husbands tossers when in the midst of ‘menopausal honesty moments’; new glasses as your sight decides to give up the ghost as well as various other parts of your body; waxing and laser treatment for all the excess facial hair; dying the gray from your hair; getting the odd wierd skin tag thing removed; slimming club memberships all adds up There should be a tax allowance for menopausal women!! But the government is too busy stealing our pensions to think of that so instead of a lovely £400 spa I decide to have a relaxing bath with magensium flakes in it (£3.95 for a pouchful – Holland and Barrat); a large glass of red wine (£4.99 a bottle Aldi); and a mint club (£1 for a pack of 5 in Asda) while wearing a special face mask (99p superdrug) thus saving £390.95. I mean it’s not exactly Champneys but it will do. And it was quite nice til Sweet Dog decided to try and get in the bath with me for some reason that I will probably never fathom. In pushing her out I spilt my red wine and my mint club fell in the water. But there is no way I was getting out of that bath as the magnesium flakes were expensive and the instructions insist you stay submerged for 20 mins for maximum benefit! My partner comes in and screams. And I nearly jump out of my skin as I was just dozing off. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to relax’ I shout. But I kind of see where ‘the fear’ may have come from – I am lying with a mask that makes me resemble Hannibal Lecter in a bath that looks like it is blood with what they thought was a large poo floating beside me (not realising it was a melting mint club). I am a little disappointed as the HRT is boosting my libido but I suspect this isn’t the best foreplay and my luck may not be in! Anyway – they have bought the M&S dine in for £12 for dinner so I am a little bit happier. I decide to check Facebook while they cook it. It greets me with a premenopausal photo from 8 years ago looking young freshfaced and not the kind of person that considers stabbing people on a regular basis. I wonder if I can disable the ‘memories’ – oh look here is your dead granny from 10 years ago’/’oh remember your dog you adored thatis now dead? No? You had just got over it? Ha Ha – here is a picture to rub it in’… etc… And I check the fridge and am even more raging. Can I ask – who on this planet gets the cheese as the desert option in the Dine In offer? I mean really? The cheese? I know for a fact there was a profitorole stack and millionaire chocolate dessert as options. WHO PICKS THE BLOODY CHEESE OVER THAT? It is times like this that I wonder if we are suited at all and maybe we should just end it due to ‘irreconcilable differences’ in what constitutes a good pudding. But then I remember the other four mint clubs!! So not a complete total fucker of a day! And it is holiday time tomorrow. No more working for a week or two. We are going where the sun better feckin shine brightly and the sky better be feckin blue (to paraphrase Cliff Richard!) To follow my menopausal musings – scroll up click on my face and click follow Twitter – @gallopingcatast #menopause #menopausalmadness
Image may contain: one or more people and close-up

Feck All Fits

Holidays next week. And Fuck All fits. And I mean Fuck All. Even my swimsuit is tight – my lovely multicoloured slinky swimsuit that fitted last year is too bloody tight. Gonna have to take my black speedo one I wear when I occasionally go swimming as REFUSE to buy another Fat Bastard swimsuit. It is just too stressful – the makers of swimsuits for fatties assume their customers must all have juggernaut sized tits. This is not the case. The one part of my body not expanding on an almost daily basis is my tits – so the boob bits on the swimsuits for fatties just flap down sadly like Sweet Dogs ears over my wee fried eggs (note to self – remember to lose three stones next year and then you will reclaim your toned athletic body. Yes I bloody know I said that last year. And the year before. But wine, chocolate and Netflix get in the way). Or possibly forget the swimming suit and agree to go the nudist beach my partner discovered was quite close by completely co-incidently while claiming to be ‘looking up possible historical day trips’ on trip adviser

But maybe its just as well that Fuck All fits as there is hardly any bloody room in the case for clothes.

Seriously – going on holiday as a menopausal woman is rather different from going on holiday as a non menopausal woman – when it was simply a case of flinging a bikini, flipflops and a couple of books into a case and heading off.

Rather more is needed when packing now. It is medication first. Feckin medication. I hate being a person who needs ‘medication’. My thyroid is fecked (common side effect of menopause) so I need tablets for that (people say an underactive thyroid is a great diagnosis coz you will lose loads of weight when you start the tablets – well I beg to feckin differ – lying bastards!). Forgot them last time and spent the last three days of the holiday fast asleep as just could not function. Well tbh I was also totally fed up with my holiday companions – tolerance levels of a menopausal woman are low to say the least – and was fucked off with the way one of them sniffed and the way the other one laughed. So lying in bed snoozing and reading and ordering room service was a better alternative to stabbing them.

Then the HRT patches need to go in as they stop me telling strangers to fuck off. And some sellotape to keep the feckers attached to my arse as they have an annoying habit of falling off. Then the tube of gel for the rosacea which is all over my fecking face (also hormone related apparently). And my magnesium supplements and magnesium spray which helps me sleep (apart from between 3.16am and 4.45am but getting used to that now). Nurofen for the achy joints which are the latest gift from the menopause fairy. Earplugs essential to stop me starring in ‘Banged up Abroad’ for suffocating my partner at 3am for snoring. Tweezers to deal with the chin hair coz even through I have had full face ‘threading” done for the first time yesterday (successful upsell from the beautician who used a lit mirror to prove that I was actually more Gorilla than Human). Hurts like feck btw – apologies to the person after me as my gasps of utter agony and less than strong pelvic floor meant occasional lapses in bladder control) I know for a fact the bright sunlight will encourage the little fuckers to grow loud and proud and show themselves off to the world.

Fanny magnet as can’t wear it coz last time it set off the buzzer thing at security and I had to have a very complicated conversation with the not exactly empathetic guard who was most confused why my fanny beeped everytime she ran the wand thing over it. Sanitary protection because though I am not due – the joys of peri menopause and HRT mean that I could have the painters in at any random time. Specs packed as arms no longer stretch long enough to read small print or even medium print. Ipad with Homeland episodes downloaded to watch between 3.16am and 4.45am each evening.

So just room for a couple of kaftans. I put all my shoes in my partners case when they are not looking – easy as they are glued to the ipad trying to figure out the best route to the airport. (it will be the tram as the stop is four minutes walk and will take us straight there but why stop their fun searching various bus routes and uber prices and last minute car parking charges). I like shoes – they don’t take it personally if you gain weight unlike my feckin multicoloured swimsuit!!

Then have a panic as think passport may be out of date. Then have bigger panic when can’t find the bloody thing. Menopausal Brain fog means I can’t find my driving licence either. Finally find them in my sock drawer (not been wearing socks for ages as so warm so no wonder I had no recollection). Passport is fine…- six months to go – hooray! I look at the lovely non menopausal me starting back from the back page. I remember laughing when my friend said I’d be nearly 50 when I got a new one. Coz obviously that was so so long away – so so so long away that it would never come. Aye right….it was like hitting black ice and spiralling out of control towards the next feckin decade. I have to sit down for a minute when realise I will be nearly 60 when the next one is due. And it only took five minutes to get from 40-50.

Then relax. I am realistic and recognise I won’t lose three stones by tomorrow so may as well have a big bar of Galaxy and a cup of tea and watch the rest of Bodygaurd which is fab even though it doesn’t have Whitney and Kevin Costner in it.

Except…. feck… feck…. sunglasses. My posh Ralph Lauren sunglasses – bought for a ridiculous amount of money when I was on a menopausal high… Where are they!!!

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG!!

PS to follow my menopausal musings scroll to the top click on my face then click on follow
PPS – Twitter @gallopingcatast

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling

Always Choose the Front Row!

I am writing this from bed at 7.30pm – but don’t judge me – I have ‘The Menopausal Exhaustion’ (the kind that hits with the force of a ten ton truck!). I have had a proper grown up social life for nearly 2 weeks! Yep, my normal evenings of home; bra off; telly on have been abandoned due to an unusual boost of energy which may or may not be HRT related (2 months in and so far so good) and the Edinburgh Festival right on my doorstep.

And as we all know a hectic social life as a menopausal woman is a very different story than a hectic social life when you are not a menopausal woman. Indeed I may well have overestimated the menopausal woman’s ability to party! I actually thought I could go out three nights in a row including one after work!! And not go to bed til 11pm!! What was I thinking? Brain fog made me forget my complete inability to function unless in bed by 9.30pm

Firstly the fringe venues – tiny teeny tiny and SWELTERING!! I do not friggin need any help with keeping warm. The HRT has not cut the hot flushes. Laughed so hard at one event the sweat droplets landed on the man next to me – he was rather horrified but a true Edinburgh gent about it all. I also peed myself a little bit but think I got away with it.

And the seats! Designed for the arses of the likes of Victoria Beckham and Kylie Minogue. I do not have the arse for gold hotpants or for trying to perch on these tiny seats without spilling over onto the seats next to me. I remember dreading the fatso coming to sit beside me at events. Now I am that fatso. Feckin Karma… I can see them walking tomorrow going inside their heads ‘please no – not beside her… please no… oh fuck it is!!’

And the way I always end up right along at the end of a row – with a bladder like mine this is not a good thing – Edinburgh people are generally polite though and pretend they don’t mind getting up to let you out to the loo after 15 mins in especially when you stand on their feet and spill your drink on them! But at least when I wet myself a bit laughing at the comedian no-one will notice when we file out. Every cloud and all that.

And for some reason although having achieved the superpower of invisibility to most since hitting menopause – I still seem to have no problem attracting the loonies at these events. I sometimes wonder if someone is having a sick joke and that my ‘ladycare’ magnet is actually a ‘looney magnet’ and there is a secret camera watching. Coz if there is a looney (I do hope that isn’t now a highly offensive un PC term – I am getting so confused with what can and can’t be said these days) about when I am sat waiting for a show you can guarantee they will come and sit beside me. I’ve had the shouters, the drunks, the ones that find the concept of shutting up for an hour to actually listen to the feckin act an alien ones. My HRT is helping reduce my desire to stab such people which is reassuring. I mean I still want to stab some people but probably the more deserving like the fuckwit on the bus that played some loud youtube crap music video all the way from Stockbridge to the Pleasance. I would have got away with mitigating circumstances on that one. Indeed an award for services to the community may well have been in order.

So the HRT has definitely given me a bit of a spring in my step. It also may have caused the hairs on my chin have started to defy gravity (unlike my tits!) and grow up the way! Seriously – how is this even possible? I was almost reluctant to pluck so impressed I was with this feat.

I also seem to have got clumsier. Today I am sporting a scraped arm where I fell down the stairs at one of the Fringe venues (while sober I may add!!); a bruise on my leg from walking into the side of a low table in a bar; a burn near my belly button where I pulled my jeans on from the tumble drier not realising the button was hotter than volcanic lava until i went to button them! A burn is also on my nipple from miscalculating the reach across my super dooper new heated clothes horse to get a dry bra. I also have burnt fingers from peeling the lid off my microwave meal too early. Which I then then stung on nettles when reached into a bush to get some tasty early season blackberries. Then when I grabbed a dockleaf to soothe the sting, a wasp was under it and stung the tip of my finger. I mean you couldn’t make this up. I am quite literally an accident waiting to happen. My partner is getting embarrassed due to the mildly accusing looks they get given when we are out. Which is ironic as the phrase ‘wouldn’t hurt a fly’ applies quite literally to them – last night they took half an hour getting two flies out the bedroom … half an hour of gently cajoling and half a roll of andrex tissue to set them free (to probably fly into some other half inch crack to buzz all around their house). As opposed to my approach which is to rush around the room with a rolled up magazine shouting ‘DIE FUCKERS’

But life is for living… And like this weeks picture – let’s always go for the front seat!

Just as soon as we’ve watched Corrie in bed with a nice cup of tea and a Chocolate Digestive.

(to follow this blog scroll to the top and click on my face – you should then be able to click on ‘follow’)
@gallopingcatast

Image may contain: 5 people, people smiling, people sitting and text

‘Fuck it!’ Lists

Going through the menopause is a bit shit but it is better than the alternative!! Without being too maudlin – getting to an age where you experience it is a privilege denied to many.

So i have decided to celebrate instead of having my usual whinge. I have have developed a ‘Fuck it!’ list.

Everyone has heard of a Bucket List – things to do before you die. Usually quite big things like jumping out of a plane over the Grand Canyon. Or hiking up Machu Picchu. Or volunteering to count frogs in Costa Rica.

But a ‘Fuck it!’ list doesn’t have to be anything major – just things you always fancied doing but kept putting off without really being sure why. It can’t be things like losing weight or drinking hot water with lemon every morning or anything like that. The test is to put Fuck it before the thing you are going to do – eg You wouldn’t say ‘Fuck it I am going to eat 1000 calories a day and drink 2 litres of water for three months’. But you might say ‘Fuck it I’m getting my belly button pierced’

So now – with more of the runway of life behind us than in front of us – has there ever been a better time to say Fuck It? To face people who sneer – and say I’m going to do it anyway!

My first ‘Fuck It’ came when I went to get a new car. I am a sensible driver – always had a wee car – cheap for petrol, low tax, low insurance. But I was passing a showroom – and a bright purple Lexus sports car was in the forecourt. I went in. Two litre engine. Leather Seats. Purple… Did I mention purple? I love purple. And I thought – a wee test drive wouldn’t do any harm. And I just though Fuck it – I am having it. 9K more than I can afford but Fuck it. I WANT IT. And I got it. And I love it. My colleague calls it a clit extension as opposed to the male equivalent of a dick extension. But do I give a shit? No – I LOVE IT.

Then I was on a roll. I always wanted bright red toenails and fingernails but never got them. And I suddenly remembered my lovely Granny saying women with red nails were whores. Has that stuck in my mind? But she also said that I’d go deaf if I had a bath when had my period. And that wasn’t true. So Fuck It! An hour later I was driving my purple sports car with lovely red talons.

Tattoo is next on the list. Ten years ago I collapsed as my guts burst through my chest wall – it was like something from Alien. I was in Barcelona and rushed into emergency theatre to have my chest ripped open and everything crammed back in and stitched back up. I have little memory apart from the surgeon saying to my friend ‘if we do not operate now she will not last more than a few hours’. I have a massive scar as a result. I am not ashamed of it – it is part of me and without it I would not be here and it reminds me of the kindness of family and friends (and strangers – will never forget the loveliest Spanish girl who put herself out to translate, sort insurance, sort flights, visit me, reassure me and so much more when she had only met me a few hours before). It reminds me of experiencing vulnerability for the first time. I like bluebells and bumblebees lots – so am playing around with a design – the scar will be the stalk of the bluebell. Someone told me I need to think about what it will look like when I am 80. If I get to 80 I won’t give a fuck what it looks like tbh. And I doubt anyone else will give a shit either.

My Fuck it list is growing – I want to sleep outside one night under the stars. I want to go up Calton Hill at sunrise and have Bucks Fizz as I watch the sun come up. I want to go to Iona and out to Fingals Cave. I want to sit on the beach at midnight with a glayva and ice and listen to the waves. I want to have a go on the back of a motorbike along a coastal road (almost sorted that one – just getting a helmet coz I’m just practicing being wild at the moment and one must be a little sensible) It is a continually developing list – it will be updated, rejuvenated – a bit like myself.

Oprah Winfrey says that the menopause is a moment to reinvent yourself after years of focussing on the needs of everyone else. And who are we to argue with the lovely Oprah?

Kim Cattrall says the menopause is the start of the next fabulous phase of our lives. I mean ‘fabulous’ might be a bit much – but I get the general concept.

So let’s raise a glass to the women who never made it this far and let’s do one Fuck It thing just for them.

Because if they could give advice they would tell you to have as many Fuck it moments as you possibly can.

Image may contain: ocean, sky, text, outdoor, water and nature

HRT Day!!

So that’s me been on the HRT for about a week. Been thinking about it for months and had the prescription for about six weeks. But anxiety about all the scare stories around strokes/breast cancer etc made me hold off. But the deciding factor was the menopausal day from hell.

Before I tell you about that day… let me tell you how I envisage my days to be post HRT:

7am – bounce out of bed full of energy and grab Sweet Dog. Run round the park with her merrily wagging her tail and skipping along beside me

7.30am – throw my gym bag and carefully prepared yoghurt fruit and oats topped with chia seeds breakfast into the car

8.00am – quick swim before work. Out and apply light attractive make up and dry and straighten my hair. Will have straighteners and make up as will have laid them all out the night before and not forgotten them. Ditto clothes – will pull them on and smile ruefully when I realise my size 12 trousers are just a bit too loose and I may need to shop for 10s now.

9.00am – day starts and I run meetings without forgetting what I am saying or indeed forgetting that an actual meeting was taking place. I sip from my 2 litre bottle of water infused with cucumber and mint.

12.00pm – feeling good having laughed and joked with colleagues all day while still achieving a huge amount of productive work. Light lunch of quinoa and Kale followed by a brisk 15 minute walk round the office grounds.

5.00pm – finish work having had a productive afternoon workwise and never ever uttering the phrases ‘have I already told you that?’ or ‘Have I already said that?’ during conversatons. I have also drunk my water and a peppermint tea

6.00pm – sit with my partner and enjoy a lovely dinner of organic veg and steamed fish. Chat about politics

7.00pm – full of energy we skip out with Sweet Dog and climb up Arthurs Seat feeling full of joy at the late light nights. At the top we snack on grapes and a banana to keep our energy levels up.

10.00pm – fall into bed giggling and have fabulous sex before falling into a long deep sleep

So that’s how I want the day to go – but this is how the day in question actually did go (and to be honest most days in the last year):

7am – Alarm went off – hit snooze about six times as exhausted from menopausal wakefulness which only progresses to a deep lovely sleep ten minutes before the alarm goes off

7.20am – Stagger downstairs and into kitchen – it is ROASTING!!! Sweet Dog is panting but still wagging her tail to greet me. I’ve left the feckin oven on. ALL NIGHT! First CRAFT (can’t remember a fecking thing) moment of the day. Full of guilt that poor Sweet Dog might have heat stroke. Give her lots of biscuits and cuddles and feel guilt increase as she stares lovingly at me. Every menopausal woman should have a Sweet Dog.

8.00am – run out the door for work having piled hair up into a ponytail and pulled various bristles out of my chin. Have randomly thrown ball for Sweet Dog all over house as no time to walk her. She looks sadly through the glass door as I wave to her telling her the dog walker will be here soon. I drive and suddenly feel anxious – did I switch the feckin oven off? Did I?

8.15am – turn and go back to check bloody oven. Sweet Dog is overjoyed having zero concept of time and believing this must be me back from my days work. Give her another biscuit – oven is off so was a pointless detour from my point of view (but not from Sweet Dogs)

9.15am – arrive at work. Bypass the porridge stand in favour of sausage and tattie scone roll with ketchup.

9.30am – second CRAFT moment – what the feck is my network password. Think think…try three times get locked out and spend half an hour with IT begging them to reset it. Spill some ketchup down front of my top.

9.45am – start to feel intensely irritated by co-worker who on every third breath makes some weird pressure cooker noise out his nose

10.00am – increasingly frustrated with pressure cooker nose person. Move scissors on desk to other side of office in order to avoid impulse to stab them into co-workers nose. Do not want to go to Cornton Vale

10.30am – Hot Flush hits. Sit still willing it to go. Feel the sweat running down my back from my head

11.00am – Go to toilet and look in mirror. Cannot feckin believe I have been sitting like this for half an hour. Look like I have been feckin jet washed! Turn on the hand dryer and dry hair and pretend I am like Madonna in that scene in Desperately Seeking Susan. Joan from Finance comes in as I move onto my Beyonce impression – throwing my head back and let the air rush through my hair for a final dry. Feel faintly embarrassed. Stop at vending machine for chocolate to cheer me up. Have pie chips and beans for lunch to cheer me up. Buy some millionaire shortbread for the afternoon to cheer me up.

3.00pm – having spent most of the day doing all I can not to tell people to fuck off I decide to leave early. Have had 3 coffees and four diet cokes – have a headache. Have organic grass fed lamb joint I took out of the freezer last night to cook for tea. Want to cook it slow and easy and am already savouring the taste

4.30pm – home and cannot find lamb joint. I ask Sweet Dog if she ate it and she looks very hurt. I hunt the fridge, the cupboards, even inside the washing machine where once I found some beef olives that I thought I had left at the butchers. Every where. Not to be found. Give up and head to tesco for stir fry with Sweet Dog. Buy a couple of pairs of size 18 leggings to wear under my tunics as they don’t mind how fat
you get – they always got you! Half way back and realise Sweet Dog is still tied up outside Tesco. CRAFT moment number 90 zillion. Run back and Sweet Dog leaps about with joy. (seriously get a dog – they adore you whatever the menopausal madness throws at you). This is not the first time this has happened but resolve it will absolutely be the last.

7.00pm – partner wakes me up – I’ve been asleep on sofa for about an hour. Am totally completely utterly feckin knackered. We decide to call a pizza and open the wine as we wait. We fine the lamb joint inside microwave where I remember now that I hid it to defrost to stop Sweet Dog eating it.

9.00pm – fall asleep in front of telly before staggering up into bed and falling asleep instantly.

So it was time!! I am fed up with days like this and if a patch can help me have more days like the first description then feck it – why not.

Opened up the packet – read the instructions. FFS – two different patches – one set to be used for two weeks – change on third day then on seventh day. Then other set to be used for next two weeks on third then seventh day. I had to check Google to see if it was 2018 or 2019 this morning so following these instructions may be somewhat of a challenge. But I am not to be deterred – open first patch and whack it on. The list of possible side effects is long and actually reflective of they symptoms I want to be rid of eg. flushes/mood swings. But feck it – gonna do for three months – will come off if rubbish

That night I am in the shower – can’t find the patch! It has fallen off somewhere. How can that happen? They are supposed to be stuck like glue to your arse. I start hunting for it but it is see through and god knows where it is. I check the instructions and it says just whack another on. So I do then go to talk to Sweet Dog. As I stroke her I find the bloody patch. Stuck to her furry tail. How did that happen? Have massive panic – what will that do to her? I peel it off and stick it in bin. I google the patches and discover it is not as simple as just whacking it onto your arse. Nope – you have to make sure it is nowhere that clothes ie knickers might rub as that will cause it to fall off.

Sit cuddling dog and having a wee chat about our day and my phone goes. I answer and it is my aunt. She is very concerned about my HRT use and ‘shoving terrible toxins in your body’ and says she managed just fine with a spoonful of hemp oil every day and rubbing aloe vera into her temples and says she will send me some hemp oil and an aloe vera plant for my birthday. I am tempted to agree just to get her off the phone but I don’t want a birthday present wasted on bloody hemp oil which she is convinced Doctors should give to everyone as a first line of treatment regardless of the illnessl. I try to move her towards maybe a spa day or something but this reminds her of a menopausal retreat she has heard about where women all rub each others feet with cannabis oil and share their menopausal stories and sing strong women songs. She thinks this will be uplifting and change my life. I beg to feckin differ! I make a non committal noise and mention Crieff Hydro as a possible and actually much more preferable alternative.

So far I have not noticed a huge difference in taking the patches apart from wildly vivid dreams about having children. In one I had a baby girl that I wanted to call Shirley but the registar office put Squidgy on the birth certificate and I was furious. Then I had another baby but posted it by mistake into a huge red letterbox and had to wait for the postman to come and let her out. Then I had a baby boy and left him with my mum and forgot about him for four years when I saw a photo of him going to school and was devastated I had managed to forget him. Each time i wake with a massive start and my heart beating. Mad dreams are not listed in the leaflet so maybe unrelated.

Will let you know how it goes……

Image may contain: one or more people

Menopausal Love Island

I was watching that Love Island the other night and it got me thinking – what would it be like if they moved all the girls out and replaced them with menopausal women! I think it might go a bit like this:

Voice Over Man:

Welcome to Love Island. Sponsored by Tena Lady.

Tensions are brewing in Paradise tonight as the 10 menopausal women brought in yesterday to replace the previous female contestants make their presence known.

We have to share the sad news that Jack has made the decision to leave the show. His experience of 3 years living with a menopausal mother is taken as an acceptable mitigating circumstance.

Big Mags is on the warpath

Cut to the Island with most of the contestants sitting round the pool.

Big Mags appears from the house:
“Where the FUCK are my tweezers and my magnifying mirror”?

Wes and Jack are quivering slightly – Wes more so as he knows he broke the mirror yesterday when trying to make a fire with it and the sun and some paper thinking it would make him look all Bear Grylls and he might get his own TV series after the series.
“we don’t know honestly Mags – we don’t. Your eyebrows look fine to us though Mags”

Big Mags:
“Not for my fucking eyebrows you twats – for the pubes on my chin”

Wes to Jack:
“Pubes? Do women have pubes? I thought it was just us blokes”

Jack:
“News to me mate – never seen a pube on any girl I’ve ever dated – not on their chin or anywhere”

Jack and Wes ponder this strange concept.

Charlie wanders down to join them rubbing his eyes with tiredness. He was paired with Lou last night. He had tried it on with her having heard a lot about ‘Cougars’ and their sexual prowness. But she had told him to piss off and if that wasn’t bad enough he did not sleep a wink due to her nocturnal flatulence and snoring.

He is not the only one to have not slept. Sam is curled up on a sun lounger dozing and refusing to ever sleep in the same bed as Rose again. He has been to the Diary Room and shared his concerns. Just before he entered the Island he had completed a thesis on spontaneous combustion and explains it to the producer “it occurs by self heating due to an increase in temperature due to exothermic internal reactions” he says ” then it is followed by a thermal runaway then finally autoignition”. The producer tries to be patient but has just discovered that the 90 packets of maltesers he had stored away had disappeared and only the wrappers remain -and his assistant has told him that Rose and Lou have ate them all and are showing no remorse. ‘Can you get to the point Sam?’ he says as kindly as he can as he racks his brain to think where he can get 90 packets of maltesers in time for the live special ‘Who can stick the most Maltesers up Their Bumhole’ competition in just 2 hours time.

Sam is very concerned ‘It’s Rose – I think she is in danger of Spontaneous Human Combustion’ he hisses. “her body was well over 100 degrees last night on several occasions”

“Oh Fuck Off” says the producer making a mental note to edit his less than sympathetic response out. Sam is petulant and says he refuses to sleep in the same bed as someone who may ignite and set him on fire.

Big Mags is complaining about everything. Wes asks timidly why she doesn’t just leave if she is so unhappy.

Big Mags tells him it’s because she forgot to get a fucking pension and the appearance fee will mean she can afford beans to go with her toast. Wes isn’t too sure what a pension is but feels it would be a mistake to ask.

Cut to Break
Adverts for tweezers, magnifying mirrors, plus size clothes and vaginal moisturiser are shown

Voice Over Man:

Back to our Contestants. Jane is here to steal one of the menopausal womens men

Cut to the garden where the menopausal women look like they couldn’t actually give a flying fuck.

Jane appears – she has been on HRT for 4 weeks and her libido has returned with avengance. .

Idris is keen to impress and starts to gyrate – ‘Whassupppp’ he says ‘you so pretty – your gorjus’ he says. He is determined to get some action and this normally works. Jane isn’t interested. She has heard there is a Doctor and feels that at her time of a life a Doctor is of more use. So she chooses Alex and they pair off. Liz breathes a sigh of relief she can feck off with her appearance fee and get back to reality. She was starting to get really worried that her hormones would make her do something that might end up on the news.

Alex and Jane disappear and arrive back two hours later. Jane is dishevelled but has a smile as wide as the River Clyde and Alex looks shocked having learned more about a womans body than he did in 7 years in medical school!

PS

To follow this blog scroll to the top of the post and click on my face … xx

Image may contain: ocean, sky, outdoor, nature and water